Music Therapy – Tegan and Sara, “Not With You”

This song brings on strong emotions for me for some reason. Maybe you’ll get something out of it too.

“Not With You” – Tegan and Sara

I can’t believe I’ve let you in
And now here I am
Telling you that I’m suffocating in here
Just like the drugs you are keeping me
I felt shark teeth underneath my socks
Before I lost much blood

Around this world will I be enough?

From the liquor stores
To the train stop floors
Your filthy room your drama blues
I am nothing if I’m not with you
I’m always right always wrong
Dressing bad is like loving you
There is nothing I haven’t worn
Nothing I haven’t said before

Your fluid is thick against my sheets
When you look at me
Oh so angry I know it’s true
My strength has come from loving you
Behavior I just can’t grow into
So you fake and you flaw
For your cops and your cause
It makes no difference to me
It’s love that you stole, that you stole

From the liquor stores
To the train stop floors
Your filthy room your drama blues
I am nothing if I’m not with you
I’m always right always wrong
Dressing bad is like loving you
There is nothing I haven’t worn
Nothing I haven’t said before so here I am

Around this world will I be enough?

This is nothing I haven’t said before
You are nothing I haven’t felt before

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Human, By Christina Perri

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that’s what you want
Be your number one

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that’s what you ask
Give you all I am

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that’s what you need
Be your everything

I can do it
I can do it
I’ll get through it

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human

I’m only human
I’m only human
Just a little human

I can take so much
‘Till I’ve had enough

Cause I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and i break down
your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human

My Not So Mental Health Day

Maybe it’s because I went to bed at 2 AM, maybe it’s the 4 mind-numbing hours of Tegan and Sara videos I watched, maybe it was the weed, the six cups of coffee, the humidity, or the moon. I don’t fucking know. All I know is when I woke up this morning, my first thought was to take a personal day. I never do that. But all I could think was that I had laundry to do. And vacuuming. And scripts to call in, mail to sort, and whatever busy thing I could think of. Not to mention the gnawing fact I really need to start jogging to work off this pseudo baby weight I’ve acquired since my wife became pregnant. Clearly I had a full day ahead of me. Mostly I woke up excited to listen to the music I added to my iPod around 1 in the morning. I’m lying. I woke up utterly obsessed with the songs on my iPod. In fact that’s what I really wanted to do today. It’s embarrassing, but I get extremely lost in my head sometimes when it comes to certain music. I try to hide when I go into obsessive phases. I also know obsessions coincide with hypomania with me, sometimes triggering full blown mania. At this time I am fine. As long as my ears don’t have to go without the syrupy melody of what I love most.

I have a hard time admitting when I’m being obsessive because my father was an obsessive individual, he also was compulsive with his obsessions, resulting in compromised living situations in his latter years, when it was most out of control. I think his problem has created a weariness in my own self-monitoring. I don’t want to fall into his footsteps. As of now, I secretly listen to the same song several times throughout the day. Music gives me permission to get lost in my head. Getting carried away by that kind of mental liberation is like crack. I love the feeling, I crave it, I need it. When I remove myself from myself, and enter my mind, it produces a sort of euphoric effect. No joke. This may sound crazy, but it’s really quite beautiful.

Anyway, my wife reminded me of the fact we need money, so I went to work, and attempted to have a normal day. Okay- normal didn’t happen. Thankfully I work in an office alone, so my music accompanies me on a daily basis. This helps me remain in a good mood and keeps my energy flowing. However, my biggest problem today was severe distraction. As busy as my mind was when I woke up, it only worsened as the morning progressed. I got fucking nothing done today! I did, however, play the same 22 songs incessantly for 8 hours. I kind of feel like I’m floating a little bit, and I’m blissfully unaware of anything going on around me.

Sometimes You Just Need To Breathe

Sometimes when anxiety and stress get to be too much to chew, it’s important to try to take a mental “time out”. Literally stop what you are doing and find a quiet space by yourself. Practice some deep breathing techniques, maybe try yoga, or a prayer meditation. This has been clinically proven to lower your blood pressure, along with your anxiety. Life is hard. Life is even harder when dealing with a mood disorder. But there are these little tricks you can do along the way to at least ease the burden and inspire a renewed sense of self.

I love the soothing melody of this song by Sia, called ‘Breathe Me’.

I’ve been having one of those weeks where yoga & meditation are on speed-dial…

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I Won’t Be Left

I know I’ve said it before, but music is my therapy & I enjoy sharing emotionally charged songs. I really love the melody of this song and I think the lyrics definitely represent how some of us can feel sometimes, especially when we’re in-between moods.

I Won’t Be Left, by Tegan and Sara

I won’t mistake you for problems with me
I won’t let my moods ruin this, you’ll see
I won’t take everything good and move it away
I won’t be left dancing along to songs from the past

Would you stay home
And keep our memories warm with me?
Would you give all your love
For a run at the past with me?

I know you’re sad
Even though you say that you’re not
I know you’re scared
Even though you say that you’re not

I won’t get mad when you say things are getting too hard
I won’t make all of your love so scared to come through our yard
I won’t scream in my head and let it isolate me
I won’t be left dancing alone to songs from the past

Would you stay home
And keep our memories warm with me?
Would you give all your love
For a run at the past with me?

I know you’re sad
Even though you say that you’re not
I know you’re scared
Even though you say that you’re not

Would you stay home
And keep our memories warm with me?
Would you give all your love
For a run at the past with me?

I know you’re sad
Even though you say that you’re not
I know you’re scared
Even though you say that you’re not

I know you’re sad
Even though you say that you’re not
I know you’re scared
Even though you say that you’re not

Havoc

For me, music is one of my main forms of therapy. I’m obsessed with it. I’m going to try to commit to posting a song each week that applies to those of us with a mental illness, specifically Bipolar Disorder. We’ll see how committed I stay.. Anyway, today’s ‘Mood Music’ is called Havoc, by Alanis Morissette.  I am totally in love with this song.

“Havoc”, by Alanis Morisette

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Just when I thought
I had handles on this
I can soften my guard behind false confidence

Just when I felt
Humble pie insipid
Exempt from this blind-side and firmly in its grip
Cause I am seduced by reaction and under the influence
I’m slipping again
I’m up to old tricks off my wagon
I have no defense I’m
Wreaking havoc
Wreaking havoc and consequence

I get reduced by my own willfulness as
I reach for my usual God replacements
Cause I am rich with sanction and lax in my steps

I’m slipping again
I’m up to old tricks off my wagon
I have no defense I’m
Wreaking havoc
Wreaking havoc and consequence

If forgiveness is understanding
Then I offer mea culpa for the millionth time
From this tumbling house of cards of mine

I am beaten by my impulsiveness
By this uncanny foreshadowing of regret
Cause I’m repulsed by restriction at least that’s my excuse

I’m slipping again
I’m up to old tricks off my wagon
I have no defense I’m
Wreaking havoc
Wreaking havoc and consequence

I’m slipping again
I’m up to old tricks off my wagon
I have no defense
I’m wreaking havoc
Wreaking havoc and consequence