New Year, New Baby, Creative Non-Resolution

Big changes for the new year over on my end. First- A NEW BABY! Yes, our little bundle of baby boy was born December 17th. Another change for me right now is my lack of work. I have been laid off for the winter season, left to collect unemployment benefits. What’s more, I seem to have lost my creative edge and/or motivation to write- poetry or blogwise. Perhaps my priorities have just been in other directions. Or the lack of sleep is getting to me. Whatever the reason, I hope it passes quickly. I try to avoid blogging hiatuses such as this last one.

But anyway, yes the wonderful new element in my life is my precious, perfect baby boy! Since he is our first baby, my wife and I have been absorbing so much as new moms. Being a parent truly makes you examine your life, and everything that’s real. Priorities change so much, and you suddenly no longer tolerate things such as other people’s drama. The important things in life are if my son is hungry, how to soothe him when he cries, and what’s the best way to hold him to make him feel comfortable. I am feeling emotions like I’ve never felt before. A whole new kind of love.

It has been both beneficial and frustrating not going to work this past month. Of course with the baby, the lay off couldn’t have come at a better time. It gives me the advantage that many new parents don’t get, and that is to be a part of my newborn’s every day life, all day, for a few months. For that, I am grateful and count the blessing. But of course as a person with bipolar, not having my routine for a lengthy period of time can be problematic. Even with the baby and all the visitors we’ve had, I have found myself getting bored. Getting restless. I like going to the office. My schedule keeps me on track, and my disorder in check. When I don’t have structure, I tend to be more subject to triggers. So far I’m doing what I can to tend to the baby, the house (I clean it daily), coordinating guests, and whatever small projects I can find. The holidays were a nice distraction, even though we just stayed in and had a relaxing Christmas with our little guy.

I did not make a resolution this year. And I don’t intend to. I am, however, hoping that this creativity slump passes soon and I spew out some poetry or something. I realize I haven’t contributed anything to this blog in over a month. Therefore -in a non-resolution way- I intend to pick up on my slack. I aim to become motivated. I have no doubt that this little angel will provide me with new levels of inspiration. So, you’ll be hearing more from me soon.


Dream Killers & Self-Sabotage


Do you ever feel like you’re letting your tribulations get the best of you? Even when you recognize this behavior pattern and you know better? It’s tough sometimes when you have bipolar disorder or depression and you can see that you self-sabotage something good in your life, something that is working FOR you, as opposed to working AGAINST you. Why do we do this self-sabotaging?

Well there are many reasons we self-sabotage. To begin, we are scared. Scared of failure, of course, but also scared of success. If we are used to failing, and there is a chance we might succeed or win, that notion of stepping out of our element, into a new territory, is frightening. It’s uncomfortable. It also feels very vulnerable.

For those of us dealing with bipolar disorder, we know how quickly positive things can become unraveled. We might allow ourselves to go after what we want. If we’re manic, we might gather what we want and then some! But then sometimes there is that familiar pattern of taking something that is so beautiful and precious which we have acquired, earned, or won, and then in an instant- we destroy its very existence, leaving us alone or into a downward spiral of despair and aftermath.

These experiences prevent us from going after our dreams or making new, positive goals. I know I struggle with finding my passion, my dreams. I, like many others tangled in the twines of the manic and the depressive minds, becomes unsure of what is real and what isn’t real. Every day I work a little harder to achieve greatness, and to chase those dreams.

This image is something I found inspiring and motivating. Enjoy.