Swinging Crashing

So yeah. I guess I crashed. I’m not doing so well right now. My moods are swinging, bringing me to a miserable depression these last two days. I really don’t even want to write this, but I’m forcing myself to.

Apparently this is part of my pattern. Every Spring/early Summer I am riding high. Hypomanic on meds and full on manic off meds. This year I traveled a lot. First was Chicago, then Toronto, then up north to a vacation town here in Michigan. I also attended a number of concerts. I was exploding with energy and feeling very social. It was summertime, after all.

Then after all the fun in the sun, the clinks of the bottles, the screaming in the crowd, I enter into a lifeless, self-loathing little pile of misery. It sucks and I hate it.

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My mind scrambles tonight to come up with excuses to get out of going to the beach with my family and friends tomorrow. I’m in a pathetic stage at the moment where I ridicule myself and compare myself to others. I literally have a reason to feel insecure with each and every person going to this outing tomorrow. I am feeling self-conscious and humiliated. I expressed this (well, a mild version of this) to my wife and I could tell by her reaction, while expressing compassion, she was disappointed in me. So I shut up about it. I really want to be excited to spend the day with my wife and my son. I will probably just muscle through it. There is no drinking at this gathering, so I can’t even numb my issues away.

I need to exercise more. I need to lose weight and boost my serotonin levels. It’s hard to get motivated when nothing sounds good. I know it sounds like I’m just whining. But mood swings and depression are real. Out of nowhere it can just jump up and bite you in the ass. I hope this passes quickly. I also hope this has nothing to do with coming of of Abilify. Because it is a noticeable pattern, I don’t think it does.

All in all, I have had some fleeting dark thoughts of ending it all, but I distracted myself and found more useful things to focus on. I guess it’ll be a day by day process. Thanks for reading.

 

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6 thoughts on “Swinging Crashing

  1. I really hate to hear this for you. I know I’m a little late in reading this. I can only hope that things have greatly improved. I have been where you are for the past few weeks myself. Nobody gets it. I went through the same thing of deeply considering just stepping out on it all. I’m at the age and stage in my illness where someone in my family should understand and be supportive but they aren’t.
    I need to be out in the sun and trying to exercise to make things better too. Nothing sounds especially interesting these days. I am staying steady with my meds, so there’s that. 🙂 Thanks for reading.

    • I’m sorry to hear that you’re down as well. I find I’m most depressed in the morning & as I try to sleep at night. It is frustrating indeed. Glad to hear you are sticking with the meds. It’s tough for me to do that sometimes, but so far I’ve been committed to it. Sun & exercise would make a huge difference, I think- but it’s just so hard! Well, let’s make an agreement to keep trying & making little improvements each day, okay? Well wishes to you 🙂

  2. Amazing blog I wish I could write as well as you, All I can say is that the clinking of bottles, the sun the sky the crowds the music and the fun are all still there waiting for you to join them again and they will always be there, I know how difficult it is for you right now and I truly hope this depression does not last long, my thoughts are with you and thank you for a great blog you are an inspiration.

    • Thank you for your kind words. Each day is a little bit of a struggle, but gotta keep on keepin on, right? I don’t get plagued with depression too frequently (more mania-prone), but when it does come around, I try to get rid of it as quickly as I can! Thank you for the support. Well wishes to you also 🙂

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