It’s Wednesday morning and I wake up around 8:30. I break into a simple yoga stretch and admire the sunlight peering through the curtain. I wash down my morning meds with a gulp of room temperature water from my nightstand, and I slide into my slippers. And yet something is missing. It has been like this for days now, slow and steady. What is it that’s missing? I’m content and seemingly stable. What’s missing is the roller coaster I’ve been hanging onto these last couple of months. I feel good. The moods aren’t acting like a cracked out pendulum, the delusions have hushed themselves, and I haven’t had a crying spell in over a week. I’ve been practicing positive affirmations and washing away the typically negative thoughts that creep into my mind. Nothing short of a mental marvel, I can’t help but wonder how long it will last. I can’t help but secretly prepare myself for when I unravel.
Maybe I’m contradicting myself a little bit, but this isn’t intended to sound negative. I think many of us keep our illness in the back of our minds when we are feeling well. This poses the question- Do we become attached to our disorder? I mean, I don’t think I miss feeling like a crazy person, but at the same time, I was unstable for so long that it was all I knew for a period of time. It was familiar. In humans, familiarity is comforting. So is the ability to predict what is going to happen. Right now, I have no clue what is up next for me. Such a refreshing feeling to know I am receptive to positive things and opportunities, it is also a little scary. This is new to me. I cannot predict my path, nor is it familiar.
Taking advantage of new opportunities, I enrolled in a college certification program which will enhance my current Bachelor’s degree. Clearly this makes me feel empowered and excited to get back into the educational groove. My wife and I are also getting closer to preparing for a baby and beginning the process with the doctor. This, I am beyond excited for. I guess when taking a good hard look at the dynamics of my life with Bipolar Disorder- the highs and the lows, and the crazy in-between- it is forever evolving. While I am so glad that I have found a stable zone right now, I am smart about my mental wellness, taking responsibility for myself and all areas of my disorder. I am going to continue with whatever I’m doing now and enjoy each day as it comes.