Negative Self-Talk and My Inner Child

I’ve been abusing my inner child and now that inner child is acting out. It’s one thing to deal with low self esteem, but I have put myself through the stress of constant negative self-talks for so long that I’m turning into a person I don’t recognize. I don’t feel smart enough or pretty enough. My anxiety is through the roof, causing my mood swings to fluctuate in ways unusual for me. I’m self-conscious of my Bipolar and I keep thinking it will ruin my marriage, even though my wife has tried convincing me otherwise. This negative anxiety has wrapped it’s poisonous claws around the center of my mind, pushing me into a mental rock bottom. And it’s turning me mean. For instance last weekend I was at an event with my wife, and she ran into a former co-worker, whom she introduced me to. And you know what? I was fucking rude. I behaved badly. I allowed my anxiety and insecurity to lie to me so I treated this individual (who is probably a nice, decent person) like they were not worth meeting. The sad part is this isn’t the only time it has happened. I have beat my self down to the point where strangers unknowingly play a role in my distorted thinking. Surely, I don’t have to say how this affects my relationship.

Okay now that that’s out, I should update from my last post. My premonitions and distorted thoughts continued, as well as a belief that I accepted a mission between my friends that only lead to conspiracy, and a belief that something terrible will happen if I drive on the expressway home each day. The thing is, I recognize this as irrational, and that’s what I told my psychiatrist when I saw him yesterday. Of course as I was talking to him I thought he wasn’t taking me seriously and he was simply amused by me. Honestly I have no idea if that is rational or irrational. I have no witness. He made some adjustments to my medications and wants me to call him in 5 days.

So what am I doing about all of this? Well, once I realized that my inner child is suffering, it broke my heart. My wife and I had a very long discussion and I expressed all of these things to her, which is difficult for me since I don’t want to scare her or push her away, or make her worry. I made a decision that I will no longer accept the negative thoughts. Easier said than done, I know, but I will make a point to catch myself when it happens. I’m also working on finding more positive in my daily life. And mostly, I want to make a point to think of others and not myself in situations. My thoughts need to shut up when I meet new people or when I’m in high stress situations. And of course, I am keeping up with my meds and whatever changes are made in that department. Oh yeah and I’m going to try and take my own advice also, and practice the tips on self esteem that I shared on this blog.

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4 thoughts on “Negative Self-Talk and My Inner Child

  1. Thank you so much for sharing these experiences. I, too, have suffered with negative self-talk my whole life. I’ve blogged for 3 years about my battle with bipolar disorder type 1, and much has centered around how my head simply won’t let go of the old ideas of self-loathing. I like you was diagnosed more than a decade ago.

    I tried positive affirmations until I was blue in the face, but they failed in the light of the “reality” of what my brain repeated every waking minute.

    Things are turning around for me though. I recently started job training to be a peer specialist in the mental health field, and the initial part of the training centered on building a WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan as designed by Mary Ellen Copeland, PhD, at http://www.mentalhealthrecovery.com/). (I am in no way affiliated with the Copeland Center.) A real switch in my brain has been thrown by writing my WRAP. The negative self-talk has ceased. It’s surreal how things have changed.

    Again, thank you.

    • Thank you for stopping by & sharing. For me, positive affirmations can be helpful, as long as they’re fresh and genuine, enhancing what I am already working on changing. I offer you a big congrats on the job training! Those of us with a deep, personal understanding of mental health can make a true difference in the field. I hope things continue to look up for you 🙂

  2. In my opinion I feel self pep talks are one of the healthiest ways to treat your mind! Not only does it influences your beliefs but also encourages you on what to think! On a daily basis one should engage in self pep talks to help them get thru stress anxiety and self esteem issues! I know that i practice this as much as possible to keep my mind strong and my thoughts on a positive level! its very easy to get down on yourself and become negative, its not easy to turn that around to a positive outlook but its always worth the hard work! All it takes is one thought a day to start back into positive thinking! What I feel helps me is recognizing a negative thought n addressing it to rethink it more positively! Whether its a self pep talks in the mirror or quietly in my mind while I do dishes! Even more importantly is maintaining that I know I’m trying an if I slip up its okay because I’m allowed to have a negative thought I’m just not suppose to dwell on it or let it consume me!

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