Swinging Out of Reality

My mind is a liar and it’s playing tricks on me. My moods have been hanging on the roller coaster again, while incorporating fleeting distortions of reality. What is this mess? My depression seems to still be present, but my agitation is very up and down, my crying spells randomly appear, I’m ultra sensitive, and have been very anxious. Also, the fact that I’m aware of the mild delusions I’ve experienced these last two days is, as far as I’m concerned, a good thing. During really bad manic episodes, I have experienced delusions and hallucinations that I sometimes could not recognize. That is not the case right now. Instead, I’m having what appear to be premonitions. Two things stand out in my premonition- the color yellow, and a dirty watch. I’ve yet to decipher the meaning of this, but hopefully either the vividness of these symbols will fade, or I will actually solve the puzzle.

For some of you this might sound crazy, for others, maybe comforting. My reality was further distorted yesterday when I pulled up to my house, it’s as if it wasn’t my house. Who’s house is this? I went inside and it’s as if I didn’t know my wife – but at the same time, I did know her. It was all very surreal. In lieu of my pressured speech, I tried to explain this to my wife, and because she had already been concerned with my rapidly changing moods during the weekend, she asked if I needed to go to the hospital. That dreaded word we all know. Hospital. I declined. I know I have been difficult to get along with lately due to my mood changes, so I understand and respect her suggestion. However, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist this week, so I can hold off until then. In the mean time, I am trying to keep busy so my mind doesn’t wander into who knows where, and so I can keep these moods at bay. Guess I’ll just have to see what’s in store for me next.


4 thoughts on “Swinging Out of Reality

  1. Comforting, yes. Distortion, disorientation, confusion…these are words I know all too well. In the past I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder because my psychotic episodes appeared manic sometimes. I understand those feelings of agitation, sensitivity, and how the lying mind can swallow you whole. The Bipolar Lesbian, I love that. 🙂

  2. I feel that same way from time to time. I just try to be in the moment when this occurs. This means focusing on only the obvious: I feel my lungs full with air, I hear my wives voice, I feel the cold of the steering wheel. Without analyzing it. I don’t know how to turn of depression, but I know some helpful exercises that may help channel a more appealing mood. Love the post!!

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